Flickers of golden light

Even on the very worst days, there’s usually a light to be found. Flecked throughout or dappled like sunlight we can usually find at least one Good Thing. But on our very hardest days, the days when we feel like we sighed more than we spoke, on days where we collate our unkind words into a rap sheet, we forget the good.

Parenting is wild. In every single sense of the word. We come back to a wild place within ourselves, particularly in new parenthood. We watch small children grow, children who are the most animalistic one will ever be in their lifetime. And days of parenthood can sometimes feel untameable, a storm that we have to ride out as best as we can. It’s not a linear experience, and we often hold light and dark simultaneously in one hand, praying that the brightness shines through.

In the same amount of time that it took Eilish to scribble on the wall all is forgiven. We love them so hard and so very unconditionally that things dissipate. Erased by a smile or a word. Our children are trying, trying, trying. Trying to figure it out, to make sense, to find out how that thing works, to play and to express and to show us. For every difficult moment, the uncomfortable and the hard, we are always, always the ones that come out on the bottom.

And, in some ways, rightly so because we are the adults and they are the children but also in so many ways, no. Not rightly so because we are still trying too. This is new. Whether you are on your first child or your fifth every experience can feel raw and fresh and dull and repetitive and so, so very hard all at the same time.

We deserve the moments of goodness to come up trumps most days. Even if the day wasn’t easy. I know that probably we will remember the good times. Even now the sleepless days of infancy and beyond feel distant and hazy compared to the razor-sharp memory of gummy smiles and soft cotton sleepsuits. But now, right now, demand gratitude and kindness and love. We don’t get a job well done and an appraisal to talk through our progress. We have to do it for ourselves. Don’t save the golden moments for a reminiscence.

And to help, I’ve shared a little mindfulness exercise that I wrote as part of the Kind Motherhood course. On bringing the golden light of our days into focus, on forgiveness and dissipating the guilt. Find a comfortable spot, close your eyes, and listen below.