Parenting tools; journaling for calmer days.
How did we get here?
You’ve got to the end of a day and maybe it wasn’t all that bad. It was a normal day, but you feel over-wrought or over-anxious and you can’t find a why. Or the day was a difficult mixture of emotion and ill-moods, and looking back you can’t pinpoint the moments at which it went south. Or maybe it feels like there’s no rhyme or reason as to why the day ended as it did, but we feel stuck in a cycle of frustration regardless. “How did we get here?”, is a question that I am sure many of us have asked ourselves.
As parents we don’t often give ourselves the space to think, to feel our way through the situations we’ve found ourselves in. We may be deep in survival mode, or in a challenging and difficult season of parenthood. Lots of us grapple with mental health battles alongside parenting or have other health issues to deal with. I don’t for one second proclaim what we are doing, in raising children gently and respectfully, is easy. It doesn’t mean that we are permissive, but it also doesn’t mean we don’t lose our cool in the difficult spaces.
There are two things that I think are vitally important for our children to experience on a daily basis. The first, unconditional and deep love full of empathy and compassion; and the other, a parent who shows up as a real and honest human with flaws and imperfections. If we can tell our children how much we love them in all situations, good and bad, and then can do the same for ourselves throughout it all, we are doing enough.
When we are having a tricky day, then quite often it can be an insight into something that isn’t quite working. It may also simply be a case of unshakeable grumps on either of parts, and that’s ok, but we can also use these opportunities to troubleshoot a little, to move things around a little to find what comes unstuck.
I always use journaling as a way to get to the bottom of things, writing on issues gives me the time and the space to think, to contemplate on what it all really means to me. I’m more likely to get to the root of an issue, or at least part ways there, with pen in hand. It doesn’t have to be legible, or even profound, but it sets an intention of thought and clarity.
Next time you find yourself at the end of the day wondering just how you got there, I’d invite you to take a moment for yourself - five minutes before bed, a quick moment in the middle of naptime, or just two minutes while they play beside you. Just make it happen. And with pen put feelings to paper and work through it. Make it a moment for yourself if you like, play music you love, light candles, drink tea and eat good chocolate. But sonetines it’s in the words we find the solutions. And it’s one of my most powerful parenting tools.
Some journaling prompts for tricky days:
Where did I find ease in my parenting today? And what bits were difficult and hard?
Rest on a sticky spot in your day, and free-write around it. Just throw all of your thoughts onto the page messily and haphazardly, no cohesive thoughts necessary. Often one gets to the end and finds clarity where at the top line there was none, and if not, then you’ve just decluttered your brain of some heavy thoughts and feelings.
Focus on gratitude; try to find five good things at least even in the hardest of days.
Try running through your day and finding the points that stuck. Be kind to yourself, at no point did you do anything wrong, but it may help you to pinpoint some repeated patterns that are causing issues in your day-to-day so you can plan accordingly.
If you can manage it, and I know that it’s not always possible with children that are early-risers or if you’re a chronically sleep-deprived parent, try and get up just fifteen minutes before your children and instill ‘morning pages’ as part of your routine. Do this however you like, many people free-write, but I find it helpful to get down a to-do list for the day, some gratitudes and maybe some random thoughts and feelings that I’ve been ruminating on. I feel like a much more present parent if I remove some of the noise from my head before she wakes.
Try probing into behaviours you find problematic in your children, but go gently on yourself. Ask yourself questions like, was I allowed to do that as a child? What reaction would that behaviour have illicit? What’s the worst thing that will happen if I allow that to continue? What elements of that situation do I truly find the most difficult?
When I imagine a great day with my children, what does that look like? What small steps can I take to get there?
Do some what-if journaling if you’re feeling anxious or wound up about certain situations, taking steps through the worst cases and problem-solving them can put in place some of the less-than-rational thoughts.
Think about you; what have I done today that was fantastic? It might have been an on-the-sofa ill day in front of Netflix, but how many times did you give them cuddles? Did they love their dinner? Did you hold them while they fell asleep? Did you feed them with your own body? Did you make them laugh? Did you listen to them while they cried? Those things are all incredible acts that take place everyday.
If you are looking to find more calm and joy in your everyday, then you might like to join my online workshop happening this Saturday 14th March; Creating Strategies for Calmer Parenting. In this 90 minute workshop I’ll give you the space to work through some of the daily difficulties, and help you to form useful and realistic strategies for when frustrations start to rise. We’ll be covering self care and inner work, as well as the power of practical planning in helping us to show up as calmer parents for our kids. You can sign up to join me here.